' "I never see you at the play nowadays" -- "I prefer to stay at home." -- "Ah, I suppose you think there's no plays like home." '
" 'See here, waiter, I've found a button in my salad.' - 'That's all right, sir, it's part of the dressing.' "
"A morally-conducted family should have an upright piano."
"What is the proper way of addressing the Admiral of the Fleet?" -- "Your warship."
" 'How did you come out of that scrape with your wife?' 'As usual, I apologised for being right.' "
"A lady wrote the following letters at the bottom of her flour barrel: O I C U R M T."
"The net to catch a man matrimonially : The brunette."
' "Yes, Roberts fell off a 50ft ladder, wasn't hurt a bit." "I don't believe it!" "Quite true, fell off the bottom rung." '
Lady: 'Captain, how do you navigate across the ocean?'-'By this compass. It always points north.' Lady: 'But what if you want to go south?'
" 'Say, boy, what is the quickest way to the railway-station?' -- 'Run.' "
"Why is a field of grass like someone older than yourself? Because it is pasturage."
"Son: 'What makes the world go round, Papa?' Father:'Usually about four whiskies, my boy.' "
"A man full of drink is like an omnibus conductor: he always thinks there is room for one more."
"A forthcoming event : One that succeeds three others."
"Why is a confirmed invalid like an inveterate beer-drinker? Because he is always ale-ing!"
"Bakers are generous. They never keep all the bread they knead."
"Running expenses:- children."
"There is nothing that so increases a man's desire to work in the garden as his discovery that his wife has misplaced the rake."
"JOHN: 'Elvira, do you love me or is it my money?' ELVIRA: 'John, I love you both.'"
"WIFE: 'You loved me before we were married!' HUSBAND: 'Well, now it's your turn!' "